Book Review: The Four Tendencies

When I first took the quiz for The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, I disagreed with the results. So I took it again. And then I took it a third time when I got the book. I got the same result each time. I didn’t like it, but the more I read about my tendency, the more I realized that I am, most definitely, a Rebel.

The Four Tendencies is about how people respond to both internal and external expectations. Upholders tend to have no difficulty upholding both internal and external expectations. They often do not understand why others find it so hard. Questioners question everything. They have no difficulty maintaining internal expectations, but question the reasoning behind external expectations. Obligers are the people pleasers. They find external expectations easier to manage than internal expectations, but some Obligers can resent the expectations put on them by others. And then there are Rebels.

Rebels, like me, are basically screwed. The book uses the motto, “You can’t make me, and neither can I!” It explains so much.

Rebels tend to be very independent and free-thinkers. They hate restrictions and can sometimes be seen as inconsiderate or uncooperative. They are gifted at thinking outside the box, but often act as if rules don’t apply to them. They tend to do their own thing, regardless of what traditional society thinks or expects of them. They enjoy spontaneity while avoiding routines. Planning can be difficult for them, but once they find their passion, they will go to great lengths to accomplish their goals.

I’ve come to realize that my to-do lists are more like suggestions rather than hardcore things that must be done. If I truly don’t feel like doing it, it is not going to happen. I think about doing chores, but I rarely actually do them. The only reason I do laundry every weekend is because I only have five pairs of work pants so I have to wash them every weekend.

Rebels struggle with goals. We struggle with wanting to accomplish so many things and rarely doing them. It’s so hard. I want to write novels, but I just can’t seem to do it. I have half a dozen ideas partially fleshed out, but then I lose interest. I start quilts but don’t finish them. I plan menus and recipes to test for the blog and change my mind after I’ve bought all the ingredients.

The struggle is real. And frustrating. And a bit defeating.

Strategies that work for others do not seem to help Rebels one iota. This is true for me. Everything I’ve tried in an effort to motivate myself in the past is hit or miss. My self-esteem has often taken a real beating when I haven’t been able to follow through.

While I don’t seem to be able to create a regular chore list that I can stick to, I do seem to be able to make lists at other times. When I prepared for my eye surgeries, I had no trouble making a plan and sticking to it. It was very important to me to get certain chores and tasks out of the way so I could relax during recovery. Yet, thinking back, there was a certain amount of flexibility to the list I made. I remember reminding myself that doing all of that stuff before my surgery would make me feel better later. I tell myself the same thing when faced with dishes at the end of the night or laundry that needs folding. If I do it now, Future Me will be ever so grateful.

Rebels also can find the motivation if it allows them to express their identity. I find I want to do things in those situations where my identity is tied to the task somehow. Sometimes a challenge helps. That’s how I finished two college degrees in five years while working full-time and being a single mother. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it so I did it. In fact, a Rebel is quoted in the book saying the exact same phrase about their college degrees that I shared with friends and family on numerous occasions. That was a light bulb moment for me.

The worst thing for a Rebel to do is announce what they are doing. It’s like dumping cold water on the fire. As soon as I talk about the story I want to write, I lose interest. I’ve tried doing the Couch-to-5K plan, and I lose interest about week 3 or so every single time. That’s usually about the time I post on social media once or twice.

Yet, how in the world did I change my diet from the standard American diet to eating paleo? Once I made the connection that the food we eat truly impacts our health, I had no trouble giving up the things that I saw as detrimental to my well-being. I even made a year-long transition plan and stuck to it, which surprised me until I read the book. I switched from blaming my body and punishing it to giving it love and respect. The changes were less stifling after that. I don’t find those changes restrictive in the least. I find them freeing because they move me closer to who I want to be - someone who is healthy and more productive in the world.

Would I recommend the book to others? I already have. I have a couple of friends who are Obligers, and I know that I can support them and motivate them when they ask for it. If an Obliger is asking for accountability, they need it. My writing friend, an Obliger, has asked for support and accountability during NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, this November. I'm going to check in with her to make sure she stays on track to hit her goal at the end of November.

Using the information I’ve learned from the book, I am working on both allowing myself to be a Rebel without feeling bad about it and using it to my advantage. I’m also working to understand how I can better interact with those around me.

I recommend checking the book out. At least do the little test online and see what your tendency is. It might be illuminating.

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